12/18/2017 (Post 9/16/2017)

12/18/2017     Just over 3 months later I constantly have to deal with feelings I am not sure I myself understand. The starting of this I might never have been able to predict but for going on 4 months now, I have been consumed by feelings I cannot control and have no idea where they will end. These are not new feelings but some I haven’t had to deal with in almost 9 years. I know exactly how I feel! Is it love, Is it lust, Is it Excitement, I cant answer that all I know is whatever it is its tearing me apart day by day. Parts of me wish I could just go back and undue everything that has happened in the last 3 months, The other just wants more and can’t get enough! I have no idea how I have opened up so many open wounds all at once. I have though and need to find a way to live with the feelings that have been released. I cannot run and hide like I have always done when this side of me has shown itself. Although I know how to fix these feelings, That’s not an option in this case because its not just me I have to think about. That makes my mechanism for dealing with my feelings far more difficult. Not a day goes by I don’t feel some kind of pain in dealing with my situation. All roads lead to being hurt no matter the choices I make.