I'm not sure i can let go.

Never in my life have i felt the pain i do now. So many things contributed to this but I said I do
and i still do. I'm not sure i am strong enough to live through this, I thought loosing Ted and
Steve hurt but that was nothing compared to the hole i feel in my heart right now. I don't
go through a day that i don't cry. I'm just lost without you. I don't move on and i don't let go and why should I, I found the one but you obviously didn't. Call it a flaw but i will never apologize for caring to much and wanting to hold on. I'm very aware i am not perfect but it never seemed to make a difference till we started inviting others into the bedroom.

08/31/2018 almost one year

NO I don't want to see you. Not now, or anytime soon. I am really sad that decisions we made a year ago have caused us to be in this state.  I take complete responsibility for the direction this has gone but its almost impossible for me to take responsibility for the emotions that our actions opened up. I did not choose all of these feelings to cause this dysfunction in my life. And treating me as if i am the problem just shows how you both don't want to share the blame for the situation. If you want to wash yourselves of me then it just shows more about you than me. I will have to deal with this without you, So don't blame me for using the necessary ways to bring me to whole. There is no way i will ever be whole again but i need to at least find a way to be stable.

5/31/2018 Goodbye

I am not sure how i am going to survive these feelings that  continue to rage in me all because of you. My heart is breaking with every thought of you and I am desperately trying to fill the hole that you have just created. Nothing I can say will make this situation better, Please just understand that just seeing you tears me apart and I'm not sure i can move forward if i have to look at you every weekend. The thought of never kissing those lips again just makes me cry and i just may never be able get over that. Have mercy on me because i am not strong enough to take it, I greatly underestimated the grip you both had on my heart and now its killing me. Both of you just control all of me and i have no way to control the hurt that is just pulsing inside my me.

To the one that choses to be scared of me instead of understand me!

Yes just looking at you brings me to the brink, the pain you can inflict even without trying Just that look you give me just hurts. It seems that I always make the wrong decision when i am around you. I wish i could stop saying i'm sorry to you and just tell you how i feel. I know we both live separate lives but i just want a small amount of physical attention and to feel that even if it is only physical that i am attractive. I have to worry about self destructing with all of these feelings inside of me and it only makes it worse when you get scared and keep pushing me away.

Another night with you both.

Ted you said you cant give me what i want, then you kissed me in the same breathe and said to me you can go sleep with steven. In case you didnt know , Out of the three of you he is the only one who doesnt question my stability and just gives me what i need, Attention . I dont need you to be mine i just need to feel i am worth your attention especially sexual because of how insecure i am. You may not understand how these feelings in me are working but  you do need to know that this is how i am and i need people to just see the struggle inside and just kiss me because they arent scared of the emotions that are produced by my emotional side. I dont blame you for your rational choices but sometimes things cant be fixed by logical thought, Sometimes emotional changes of directions can guide you to the places that serve the best result.

Untill i cannot survive anymore.

One face just haunts me and i have no idea if i can survive thru this situation. I see you, I love you, You leave and i am hurt and lost, I wish i could figure this out between all three of us but i am still unsure how that will work. Just your smile fills me with joy and i don't get that often enough. Let alone that kiss i so desperately need!