1-29-18 It still goes on (Post 9/16/2017)

I am feeling better day by day however it doesn't change my feelings. Dealing with this in time gets easier but the emotions behind it seem to get hidden and pushed to the back of my mind. BJ, Ted, Steve, I cant explain why you three have been able to touch this part of my emotional side that many others have never have been able to. My heart has attached itself to all of you, You all need to know its going to take more time to become whole through this roller coaster. I am trying but i am very unstable at this point. Please just understand my dealing with this will produce some anger and i control that side as well as i can control the side that started this whole thing.

1/25/2018 (Post 9/16/2017)

This is exactly how i feel going through my entire life. I dont want to do anything, I dont like anything. This is a feeling i havent been able to get people to understand that this is how i always feel.

11/17/2018 I feel more like this more than i have ever felt before. 

1/21/2018 (Post 9/16/2017)

What else do you want me to say. What else can i control. Sometimes we don't have that choice, Kissing you unlocked so much of me that i had hidden for years and now that i have let it be exposed, It hurts me more than i can deal with. That moment has haunted me ever since. I am writing these posts knowing that the 3 people I care about so much are going to see these and i am sorry if you get hurt but please imagine living in my world. I didn't make this choice to be in this situation, but here I am.

One Month Later 1/21/2018

Its your birthday one month to the day of mine. I am still under no illusion of what the future holds.If i could shake you both from my mind i would,That moment you realize something has happened that you cannot control is overcoming me. Unstable and erratic is how my current emotions have been. I have loved you from the first night and that is never going to change. The hours i spent watching you sleep that first night will never fade from my memory. I wish i could change everything back to the way it was. But i can't, from this moment on there will be a hole in me that will only grow larger!

1/13/2018 (Post 9/16/2017) After Joseph's holiday party

Saw you both again today and nothing has changed. I couldn't even look at either of you without feeling hurt. I can't change that feeling so i will just have to deal with that until either i just can't see you anymore or something else changes. I am so lost as to how to fix this situation, It is not fair for anyone of us, but we all got into this together. I can't run and i can 't hide from either of you and I really don't think that would be smart anyway because the amount of pain I am feeling is going to start to tear me apart.

1/8/2018 (Post 9/16/2017)

Nothing has changed from yesterday. I am still here painfully moving through whats left of my life just wanting to rewind back to a time that was much easier. Trying to not let the anger to take to much control because with every day that passes it just fuels the fire that is building inside.

1/7/2018 (Post 9/16/2017)

Who's fault is it? Its mine, I have to take the blame considering out of 4 people i am the only one that continues to have trouble with what has been started. I did not choose for this to happen, causing so much disruption in my life. Let alone to make me question the most important person in my life, who at this point i can not give my undivided attention. One night changed me, I am not sure if the other 2 felt what i did but at this point it doesn't matter . The damage has been done, that moment has driven all of the uncomfortable interactions since that night. We all continue to want to be friends but
i am not sure how realistic that is with the challenges i face just to deal with it,Two faces just consume me at this point. In the 38+ years i have had to deal with the emotional side of myself  and there have been few things i have not been able to see coming. This is something i saw from the first night and instead of running to protect myself I just gave in and let it happen. Its to late to run and hide, It to late to change a thing, I just have to take the pain that comes with this entire situation.

1/5/2018 (Post 9/16/2017)

It took a matter of hours for 2 unexpected people to remove the protection i built to protect myself from releasing the most scared parts of me. Its not that i am not emotional like some see. Its that i am too emotional, Uncontrolled emotions only cause more pain and lead down a depressing path that leave me very unstable. All I want is to kiss your lips almost nothing else matters at this point.

1/5/2018 (Post 9/16/2017)

After a night that I realized my own destructive tendencies on new years eve was leading me into a dark place, I have had to really look within and ask some serious questions, Is it all worth it, Can i control this, Do i really want to travel down this road. Its pretty clear one side of me can't control this and wants to travel down this road. But the other side knows the road won't lead to the place i want and is pushing to try to gain some control by waking the angry side of myself. That side of myself has never led me down the right path as well, Just tearing others apart. I am lost with how to control the sides of myself that are so easily provoked into taking total control of what others see. This is me Chester explains how it is to live within your own mind no matter if you can control it or not.