3/31/2018 Another Post 9/16/2017 moment

This song isnt really an interpretation of another person in my life but more of the interpretation of how i feel about dealing with myself. Both sides of me keep fighting it out without knowing how it will end. Every day is a new and the side of me that shows itself is always open to interpretation. Arguing is easy when its with someone else, but thats not how i feel right now I am the one i am arguing with, I am the one that i hate. Just move on and be normal, I am not normal i am just a fucked up soul and i am not ashamed, I am just hurt and angry, I am unbalanced and I cant choose how i deal with this situation in my life because i am constantly arguing with myself.
11/17/2018 I guess i should just open up and get angry with you because out of the 2 of us, Only i have kept our vows. "I DO" and I still do but i am just not sure how my emotional side will survive the betrayal i feel from you.

ME, Dont just read this play the video

This is the balanced me. The music alone carries me to a place i do not have to care about anything. It gives me balance maybe for not very long but i will take what i can get at this point.

3/29/2018 (Aftermath of 09/16/2017)

1.BJ

2.Ted
3.Steve

3/29/2018 (Aftermath of 9/16/17)

I am me take me or leave me. I am not an emotionally stable person so all three of you need to understand thats just me, Thats how i am and i am tired of pretending to be emotionally stable, I don't need to have a good day, I don't need to be happy, I don't see being happy in the same way others do, I don't need it. What i need is balance not happiness or anger. I go through cycles of both of those things, But at this point to much of one always triggers the other. I have spent the last 5 years being able to find that balance but I no longer can find that balance because of that one night.Without the balance i am to far to one side or the other.

3/27/18

Please just kiss me. Your lips mean so much to me!

3/27/2018

3/27/2018 Please just kiss me i am not sure i can live through never kissing either of you again! I  dont want to make things complicated but sometimes emotions need to be addressed.

3/30/2018 I might be depressed but never kissing either of you again hurts me to the core. I
cant control these feelings without help.

3/26/2018

I got to see you both again tonight and as usual just seeing your faces made me happy but leaving you made me feel lost and alone. I wish i could change these feelings inside me but i can not change that part and i just have to understand that seeing you both is going to come with some pain!

3/24/18 (Post 9/16/2017)

I feel invisible even thought it may put some people in uncomfortable positions it is how i feel! I am not unhappy with you, I am just lost in what i am supposed to be. I Love you, I am just invisible to the two that controls my emotions. I just want them to kiss me and we can work the details out later!

3/24/2018 ( Post 09/16/2017)

Being very emotional can make me stronger or it could kill me! I am still looking for the answer? I love you all but do you really know,  These are my feelings . I wake up and start it all over day after day feeling empty and torn apart inside.

3/24/2018

More than 6 months later i continue to deal with these emotions that have been released. At this rate it will easily become years. 09/16/2017 a day that i will never be able to change but will always be the date that i can use to mark my path to instability. Parts of me wish it never happened the other parts only want more. I miss you, I hate you, I love you, I can sit here and ask why my emotions go from one extreme to the next but as much as i want to pin it down there is no way to get better without dealing with the emotional connections that have been started. I cannot say that i will survive through this, Its not my choice though all i can do is just roll with the punches to keep these feelings hidden because they will hurt others but i am not sure they won't hurt me far more considering the emotional roller coaster i continue to ride.

3/14/2018

Everyday is a challenge for me. I just can't seem to close the door on my most volatile emotions that a few people in my life are able to touch without trying. I am going to have to understand that what i used to be is gone and who i am now even though its flawed is who i am. I can't continue to make decisions based on who i was. I am me now, as depressed as i am, I am still me and when i wake up that's the person i need to address that given day. I can only fake my way through so far, It can't be a long term solution. I wish i could regain my emotional balance but it seems unattainable at this point.

3/9/2018

I admit we both knew that this was the way it was going to end but i can't stop being hurt by the memory of you. I miss your lips and just want to kiss you, I thought that if we only had a finite amount of time together it would make it easier, I was wrong it just leaves me with no closure and more heartbreak. In less than a 24 Hr span I found someone that made me happy and then had to say goodbye in that same amount of time. I Miss you!  I don't let go easily and this will take a while because of you. As if my life wasn't hard enough you had to walk in and add to my emotional stress.

3/25/2018 Update:  They say go to Mexico take a vacation you need it. I can go anywhere i want but in the place my mind is right now the miles will never change where I am emotionally! I will draw the same energy no matter where i go. The resolution isn't distance.

3/26/2018 Update" Carl i am sorry i had to drag you into this emotional tornado i have been in. Constantly looking for someone to take these feelings i am dealing with and make me forget the two that i will have to continue to deal with for the foreseeable future. I wish so much you were not so far away, You gave me something i really never knew i wanted, I want to be acknowledged, I want to be special, i wanted to feel cared about and you filled that void and were instantly took away.

11/29/2018 If i would only have known, I would have got your number carl. I should have because i obviously was trying to be safe but in the end what does it matter now ?