12/31/2017 (Life After 9/16/2017)

The choices are becoming smaller with every day i continue this mascaraed. Lying to myself and others does not serve me any constructive path to get through this. I just have to admit my feelings, whatever happens from that i will have to deal with, YES I Love you Both. Both of you have taken control of me, I cannot seem to regain that control to keep myself stable. I want so much to just bottle these feelings back inside and never let them out ever again but that is not an option anymore. The part that hurts me the most is i am getting to the point where the hurt and the pain of dealing with this whole situation is starting to convert into anger and resentment. You say you want to stay friends and i am not sure how i can do that. What is it that i want from you thats easy,  I want to kiss you both and never stop. I have known this was going this way since the first time when i watched you sleeping until the daylight came up, All i want  is to kiss you and be payed attention to. I'm Afraid that moment has past and now i am going to have to succumb to the anger that keeps building inside.
4/18/18 This was the night before I made some of the most destructive decisions of my life, a new years party i had waited for so long but, when it came i was unable to just enjoy you choosing to be with me even for a night. I wish i could just re due that night and not get so emotional but that is who i am. I am sorry i came off so overwhelming to you. I miss you both so much I feel like i am just trying to be normal however how unsuccessful it is.


 

12/22/2017 (Post 9/16/2017)

On my 38th birthday i have received love from lots of my friends, I am loved by many but the one inside is still not sure how to feel, I am just taking it day by day hoping that the one inside that feeds the anger doesn't find a way to take over the side that wants to move on and move forward. There is no way yet for me to know what side of me will prevail in this constant fight. Its a bitter fight i am having inside myself and the only outcome is going to be pain. I am not allowed to feel and say what i want because of the situation i am currently in. Although these thoughts only come out when i have been drinking they persist 24 hrs a day 7 days a week and there is nothing that seems to lesson the pain, I feel both the separation and the interaction from the two only makes it harder. Every text and face book post draws me in feeding both sides of myself. One side of me wanting to control the situation and the other side refusing to be controlled.

12/18/2017 (Post 9/16/2017)

12/18/2017     Just over 3 months later I constantly have to deal with feelings I am not sure I myself understand. The starting of this I might never have been able to predict but for going on 4 months now, I have been consumed by feelings I cannot control and have no idea where they will end. These are not new feelings but some I haven’t had to deal with in almost 9 years. I know exactly how I feel! Is it love, Is it lust, Is it Excitement, I cant answer that all I know is whatever it is its tearing me apart day by day. Parts of me wish I could just go back and undue everything that has happened in the last 3 months, The other just wants more and can’t get enough! I have no idea how I have opened up so many open wounds all at once. I have though and need to find a way to live with the feelings that have been released. I cannot run and hide like I have always done when this side of me has shown itself. Although I know how to fix these feelings, That’s not an option in this case because its not just me I have to think about. That makes my mechanism for dealing with my feelings far more difficult. Not a day goes by I don’t feel some kind of pain in dealing with my situation. All roads lead to being hurt no matter the choices I make.