The choices are becoming smaller with every day i continue this mascaraed. Lying to myself and others does not serve me any constructive path to get through this. I just have to admit my feelings, whatever happens from that i will have to deal with, YES I Love you Both. Both of you have taken control of me, I cannot seem to regain that control to keep myself stable. I want so much to just bottle these feelings back inside and never let them out ever again but that is not an option anymore. The part that hurts me the most is i am getting to the point where the hurt and the pain of dealing with this whole situation is starting to convert into anger and resentment. You say you want to stay friends and i am not sure how i can do that. What is it that i want from you thats easy, I want to kiss you both and never stop. I have known this was going this way since the first time when i watched you sleeping until the daylight came up, All i want is to kiss you and be payed attention to. I'm Afraid that moment has past and now i am going to have to succumb to the anger that keeps building inside.
4/18/18 This was the night before I made some of the most destructive decisions of my life, a new years party i had waited for so long but, when it came i was unable to just enjoy you choosing to be with me even for a night. I wish i could just re due that night and not get so emotional but that is who i am. I am sorry i came off so overwhelming to you. I miss you both so much I feel like i am just trying to be normal however how unsuccessful it is.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
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